I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
