I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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