Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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