If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
