Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize