Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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