I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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