i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
