last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize