in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
