you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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