Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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