I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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