I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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