I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize