just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
