She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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