one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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