Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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