i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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