he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize