Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
