im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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