Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
