i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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