He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
