woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
