$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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