I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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