She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Holy sore nipples Batman
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
