If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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