You made me cry and you don't even care
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
