One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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