Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
