He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
why do cheetos always look like penises
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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