Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
