He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
