i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
