I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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