from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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