Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize