my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize