You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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