We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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