Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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