Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
