Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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