textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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