I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
