Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize