I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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