I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
