My hair reeks of homosexuality.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
