worst night to have a conscience
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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