hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
