so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize