We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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