I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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