Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
