Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
