There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
