I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize