You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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