I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
