We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I need moral support for this bender
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize