dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
