I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
