So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
