i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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