I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
