Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
