So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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