nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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