Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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