I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
