Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
